New Jokes 2018 / 2017
New Jokes 2018 / 2017
Patient to his doctor: I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’s getting worse. What can I do?
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Doctor: Yes, this is a known illness, unfortunately it has no cure. I’d also like to remind you about the 800 USD that you owe me?
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Doctor: Yes, this is a known illness, unfortunately it has no cure. I’d also like to remind you about the 800 USD that you owe me?
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Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"
Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."
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Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."
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Tip, tap, tip, tap, who’s eating my lactose-free, vegan, gluten-free, bio, Fairtrade house?
– Janice, 573, Evil Witch Keeping Up With the Times
Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?
And more importantly, where is my hamster?
– Janice, 573, Evil Witch Keeping Up With the Times
Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?
And more importantly, where is my hamster?
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A boss announces to his staff: “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”
A voice in the background says: “I’m offering 200!”
Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.
What method of contraception do you use?
I’m always really nice and kind.
- Peter, 32, best friend of many, many women
A voice in the background says: “I’m offering 200!”
Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.
What method of contraception do you use?
I’m always really nice and kind.
- Peter, 32, best friend of many, many women
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A camel meets an elephant. The elephant asks jokingly: “Why do you have two breasts on your back?” The camel replies: “With a face like yours, I’d just shut up.”
Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”
Man: “I had to get to work.”
Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”
Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.
I’m not happy with this and I’d like to exchange it please.
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Come again? That’s your bank statement Mr Dibbley!
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I said exchange it!!!
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Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”
Man: “I had to get to work.”
Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”
Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.
I’m not happy with this and I’d like to exchange it please.
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Come again? That’s your bank statement Mr Dibbley!
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I said exchange it!!!
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