Short and funny quotes | Humorous comedy joke.
Short and funny quotes | Humorous comedy joke.
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
-
Henny Youngman
“If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side.”
–
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
– Gary Delaney
“My girlfriend's dog died. So I got her an identical one. She was livid: ‘What I'm going to do with two dead dogs?’”
– Gary Delaney
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?“
–
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
–
Tim VineI
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance–waiting for the bathroom.
-
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
-
Cindy from Marzahn
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
-
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
-
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
-
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
-
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
-
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
-
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
-
Ken Dodd
“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”
–
Robin Williams
Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.
-
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
-
Robert Bloch
I look good. I mean, really good. Hey everyone! Come and see how good I look!
-
Will Ferell
“I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.”
–
Bill Murray
“My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.”
–
Bill Murray
“I bet giraffes don’t even know what farts smell like.”
–
Bill Murray
Off to Azerbaijan!
-
Eddie Izzard
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
-
Dave Barry
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them as much.
-
Oscar Wilde
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
-
Henny Youngman
“If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side.”
–
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
– Gary Delaney
“My girlfriend's dog died. So I got her an identical one. She was livid: ‘What I'm going to do with two dead dogs?’”
– Gary Delaney
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?“
–
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
–
Tim VineI
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance–waiting for the bathroom.
-
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
-
Cindy from Marzahn
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
-
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
-
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
-
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
-
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
-
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
-
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
-
Ken Dodd
“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”
–
Robin Williams
Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.
-
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
-
Robert Bloch
I look good. I mean, really good. Hey everyone! Come and see how good I look!
-
Will Ferell
“I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.”
–
Bill Murray
“My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.”
–
Bill Murray
“I bet giraffes don’t even know what farts smell like.”
–
Bill Murray
Off to Azerbaijan!
-
Eddie Izzard
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
-
Dave Barry
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them as much.
-
Oscar Wilde
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